“I didn’t choose this path. I wouldn’t choose this path. And honestly? This path sucks.”
I heard a version of this recently from a client. She felt like her life was being directed by a script she hadn’t written, forced into turns she never agreed to take.
Right now, as the New Year rolls in, everyone around her is talking about resolutions and positive changes. Plans, goals, and fresh starts dominate her social media feed and water-cooler conversations.
And yet, for some of us, life feels like it’s moving along without our consent. The path we’re on was not the one we chose, and it really does sting to feel powerless while everyone else seems to be steering their own course.
While everyone else is busy manifesting their 'dream life,' it's okay if you're just trying to survive a reality you didn't ask for.
The Myth of the "Easy Fix" and the Reality of Powerlessness
We see this struggle in the smallest moments. A friend shared a story about her teenage son who uncharacteristically melted down over a McDonald’s burger. He wanted it plain; it came with pickles and ketchup. He pouted, refused to eat, and eventually sat in a corner, withdrawing from a fun afternoon activity.
To an outsider, the solution is logical: Scrape off the ketchup. Take out the pickles. Don’t let a condiment ruin your day.
But that misses the point entirely. The "size" of the reaction hints that it wasn't about the pickles; it was about the loss of control. He expected one thing and was handed another. In that moment, he wasn't just hungry; he was powerless.
Why Small Triggers Feel Like Major Threats
To a teen, it’s pickles. To you, it might be the reorganization of your department or a health diagnosis that changed your year. Different scale; same feeling of powerlessness.
We might judge ourselves for spiraling when our commute time unexpectedly doubles for not leaving enough time. Maybe we label ourselves as “dramatic” or “upset about nothing” when we are unsettled when a boss moves us off a project without explanation.
In reality, these moments are triggers because they remind us of a fundamental truth: We don't always get to choose our level of challenge.
In the world of adventure education, there is a concept called “Challenge-by-Choice.” It’s the idea that you are most likely to grow when you choose your own level of discomfort. But when life (or a boss, or a partner) thrusts a challenge upon you without your consent, your nervous system doesn't see "growth". It sees a threat.
Using Emotional Agility to Navigate Life’s Detours
In her book Emotional Agility, Dr. Susan David offers a framework that may help navigate these forced transitions. Many people try to jump straight to the end—the "Moving On" phase—where they try to "embrace the discomfort."
But first, you need to:
- Show Up / Acknowledge the Suck The first step isn't fixing the problem; it's facing the feeling. "Showing Up" means sitting with the frustration, the anger, or the grief of the "burger" you were handed. It’s about not labeling your sadness as "bad" or your anger as "unprofessional." It is a normal reaction to an abnormal lack of control.
- Step Out Once we stop fighting the emotion, we can create space. In fact, this happened to my friend’s son. He apologized after their activity and acknowledged his reaction was "outsized." He could finally see the "pickles" for what they were because he was no longer "hooked" by the feeling of powerlessness.
- Walk Your Why Before you can decide where to go next, you have to remember who you are. When the bridge is washed out and your convenient path home is gone, you have to ask: What do I actually value? If you value connection, you’ll navigate the detour differently than if you value speed. David calls this "Walking Your Why." You start to make choices, even the small ones, that realign you with your own soul.
Reclaiming Your Agency: Choosing Your Next Step
When you are forced onto a path you didn't choose, the most radical thing you can do is stop trying to "get over it" immediately.
Give yourself permission to hate "the pickles". Acknowledge that the challenge was forced upon you. Only then, once you’ve shown up for yourself, can you begin to reclaim your agency and choose the next turn in the road.
It’s okay to acknowledge that right now, things just "suck." You don’t have to rush toward a solution.
Navigating these detours alone is exhausting. Sometimes, the first step in reclaiming your agency is simply saying it out loud to someone who understands.
If you’re feeling hooked by life’s "unwanted pickles" and need a partner to help you navigate the detour, let’s talk about how we can partner to move you forward, when you are ready, in a complementary Discovery Session.
